I wish. Sadly, the news that held such promise is just a video spoof from everyone’s favourite news parody site, The Onion.

“By 2013, Miley will be little more than a withered, desiccated husk, incapable of causing anyone any amusement, at all.”

For those of you who can’t access the video, I’ve transcribed it here:

Anchorman: This week the New York Times will run the first in a 6-part series examinining America’s overuse of Hannah Montana star, Miley Cyrus. Most experts now agree that at current usage levels, Miley Cyrus will be drained dry of entertainment value by 2013. Joining us now is Miley researcher Dr. Justin Canty from the Institute for Sustainable Cyrus Use. Doctor, you say this is the worst crisis humanity has ever faced?

Dr. Canty: Absolutely. Miley is a potent entertainment resource but we are overusing her at unprecedented levels. She’s on television, albums, toys, clothing, she has a sold-out live concert series. If we don’t act now, the down-to-earth Miley who likes text messaging with her friends and playing guitar in her bedroom will be wiped off the earth forever.

Anchorman:You point to the examples of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, the Olsen twins.

Dr. Canty: Well, they were bountiful entertainment resources that our over-consumption reduced to smouldering remnants. But we’re burning through Miley at a far more aggressive rate.

Anchorman: Then what is the timeline here?

Dr. Canty: Typically, a teenage star can have profits drilled from her for approximately 6 years before dropping down to “Is She Too Wild?” levels. Miley was discovered only 3 years ago and already there’s pregnancy rumours, the photo scandal…

Anchorman: However though, Disney says it is planning to pump shows and songs out of Miley for at least another 3 to 5 years before discarding what’s left of her.

Dr. Canty: She won’t last that long. Within 2 years, she’ll be little more than a withered, desiccated husk, incapable of causing anyone any amusement, at all.

Anchorman: So what are the consequences if we don’t cut back on our Miley use?

Dr. Canty: As Miley entertainment becomes more and more scarce, the millions of families across the world that have grown dependent on it will begin to fight for it or hoard it. Society as we know it will fail to function, governments will collapse, humanity will be reduced to roving tribes of barbarians constantly searching and fighting and scouring for the last remaining Hannah Montana fashion doll or ‘The Best of Both Worlds’ CD. Incidentally, that is the picture that is depicted on the cover of my new book.

Anchorman: A bleak prospect. Dr. Justin of the Institute for Sustainable Cyrus Use. Thank you, sir.

Dr. Canty: Thank you.